Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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