question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
