dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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