i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
