My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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