True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
