After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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