you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
