and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
