I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize