I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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