Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
