her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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