Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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