That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
