You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
