She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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