i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
and you fell through a lawn chair
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
