I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
