I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
