You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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