There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
