Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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