Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize