we have pet lesbian snakes
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize