my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
