remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
