He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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