guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
