best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
