at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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