Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize