note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
