Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
