Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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