Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
