Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize