My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
