my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
