I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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