Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
