That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
