What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
