so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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