I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
