Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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