i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
