I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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