I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize