Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
