You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
