Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
