the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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