Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
