I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
