Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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