you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
