so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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