Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this boner is exhausting
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
