I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
